Okay, Day 2 of the morning writing experiment.
Just write…I know how to do this. And the truth is, I really do like writing.
So the big thing I am facing is a new job, and perhaps a new profession: how to work on, and how to pursue this endeavor. Well actually, I have already begun the pursuit. I have put it out there and each day I do my daily research, which has been relatively routine. The hard part comes during the “Now What?” moment (or hours) of each day. Maybe this is the hard part because this is where faith comes in…believing in what I am doing and trusting that there is an entity out there offering guidance and support. The hard part about faith, for me, is NOT the unknowing, it is the un-CONTROLLING.
I believe that we are self driven, independent people who have come to believe that our destiny is in our hands…to a point. Then comes the part where I must let go. I know about that empty leap into the void, I have been on that edge before. I did it when I left Head Start. I did it when I moved to AZ from OH. And again when I left AZ and returned to OH…and again when I found the voice within to say: No More. For me, there have been many, many more “and agains.” Trust and faith were the cornerstones in all of those choices. (Not to mention some really great song lyrics to stir the emotions and bolster my courage: I Will Survive, Live Like You Were Dying, not to mention the chuckle I always get from the occasional Jesus Take the Wheel. )
Okay, my ADD is insisting that I continue on this digression for another minute...
What is it about those well-timed, sappy songs I love to turn up the radio to as I drive? I belt out the lyrics like I am Kelly Clarkson on the Idol stage. I think my next car is should be equipped with a microphone… until then I can continue to press my dust-laden, inoperable Bluetooth ear piece to my ear, as I immerse myself in the harmonies from my back-seat singers and my carefully orchestrated soundtrack.
Hmmm… I think I have moved from simple digression, to full-blown exposure here…sharing all of my most-private moments about my secret car-life. Secret, that is, to all but Ed. Ed, who for the last 19 years, has silently endured those earsplitting sounds, every time he starts the engine after one of my “world tours”. His usual routine upon entering the car is to turn the ignition key to the right and then quickly twist the radio volume key to the left. Without ever saying a word, he smiles quietly to himself. The man is a saint (who loving had all the blown speakers replaced for my birthday a few years back.)
…refocusing…
…back to trust and faith.
But who, or what, am I placing my trust and faith in? Do I really need to know first, or is now the time to reflect on past leaps and just let go? Sometimes I think my insistence on asking all of these questions just keep tightening my grip, giving me the fix I get from the illusion of control, and keep me hanging on. (“Set me free, why don't cha babe; Get out my life, why don't cha babe; 'Cause you don't really love me; You just keep me hangin' on. Why do you keep a coming around; Playing with my heart?; Why don't you get out of my life; And let me make a new start?”~Diana Ross and the Supremes) J
…refocusing…
There has always been a net…and I am being given the opportunity,again, in this moment for trust, and to have faith. Yes, there will always be a net…but needing to know the net, and to see the net, dissolves the exercise of faith…doesn’t it really? If you can know it, see it and test it, then there is no need for faith, as you have now transitioned into having proof. The times we need faith the most are often the times when we have the least amount of courage. We are tested and pushed closer to the edge, and our instincts insist that we hold on tight and batten down the hatches. And yet our faith implores us to “let go and trust--know that it is time to fly”.
Maybe faith can be proven, based on our past experiences. When we let go, we must make the transition from simply trusting and believing, to actually knowing---the quality of knowing that comes from the awareness “YOU’VE NEVER LET ME FALL BEFORE”
Hmmm…this might be a breakthrough moment for me…
more proof = less fear
(I think that formula also work with alcohol consumption, doesn’t it? J)
...refocusing...
But there are many different types of proof. I guess what we all have to decide for ourselves is what types of proof do I personally need? Tangible or intangible? Quantifiable or anecdotal? Maybe it is time to consider one of my favorite quotes. One that has always been a key underpinning of my personal and professional beliefs:
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. ~Albert Einstein
Flying is easier when we have had a track record of believing…letting go…knowing…and ultimately soaring. For me, that is my proof…my life is my evidence, my testament, my proof that it is okay to let go. My transition from faith, to truly knowing this: I am right where I am supposed to be…ready to soar…and I am not alone.
I know this because I can look back in my life and reflect on all of the times I stood firm—refusing to leap, out of fear…until I had no other choice, or I was pushed. When I finally released my grip of control…I turned toward my faith…and I flew. In that moment, the only awareness that resonated through my soul was simply, “We’re so glad you’ve come.”
What an amazing journey I am on!”
“All your life...
You were only waiting for this moment to arise”
~Blackbird (The Beatles)
~*~
