is it faith, if you have proof?

Okay, Day 2 of the morning writing experiment.

Just write…I know how to do this. And the truth is, I really do like writing.

So the big thing I am facing is a new job, and perhaps a new profession: how to work on, and how to pursue this endeavor. Well actually, I have already begun the pursuit. I have put it out there and each day I do my daily research, which has been relatively routine. The hard part comes during the “Now What?” moment (or hours) of each day. Maybe this is the hard part because this is where faith comes in…believing in what I am doing and trusting that there is an entity out there offering guidance and support. The hard part about faith, for me, is NOT the unknowing, it is the un-CONTROLLING.

I believe that we are self driven, independent people who have come to believe that our destiny is in our hands…to a point. Then comes the part where I must let go. I know about that empty leap into the void, I have been on that edge before. I did it when I left Head Start. I did it when I moved to AZ from OH. And again when I left AZ and returned to OH…and again when I found the voice within to say: No More. For me, there have been many, many more “and agains.” Trust and faith were the cornerstones in all of those choices. (Not to mention some really great song lyrics to stir the emotions and bolster my courage: I Will Survive, Live Like You Were Dying, not to mention the chuckle I always get from the occasional Jesus Take the Wheel. )

Okay, my ADD is insisting that I continue on this digression for another minute...

What is it about those well-timed, sappy songs I love to turn up the radio to as I drive? I belt out the lyrics like I am Kelly Clarkson on the Idol stage. I think my next car is should be equipped with a microphone… until then I can continue to press my dust-laden, inoperable Bluetooth ear piece to my ear, as I immerse myself in the harmonies from my back-seat singers and my carefully orchestrated soundtrack.

Hmmm… I think I have moved from simple digression, to full-blown exposure here…sharing all of my most-private moments about my secret car-life. Secret, that is, to all but Ed. Ed, who for the last 19 years, has silently endured those earsplitting sounds, every time he starts the engine after one of my “world tours”. His usual routine upon entering the car is to turn the ignition key to the right and then quickly twist the radio volume key to the left. Without ever saying a word, he smiles quietly to himself. The man is a saint (who loving had all the blown speakers replaced for my birthday a few years back.)

…refocusing…

…back to trust and faith.

But who, or what, am I placing my trust and faith in? Do I really need to know first, or is now the time to reflect on past leaps and just let go? Sometimes I think my insistence on asking all of these questions just keep tightening my grip, giving me the fix I get from the illusion of control, and keep me hanging on. (“Set me free, why don't cha babe; Get out my life, why don't cha babe; 'Cause you don't really love me; You just keep me hangin' on. Why do you keep a coming around; Playing with my heart?; Why don't you get out of my life; And let me make a new start?”~Diana Ross and the Supremes) J

…refocusing…

There has always been a net…and I am being given the opportunity,again, in this moment for trust, and to have faith. Yes, there will always be a net…but needing to know the net, and to see the net, dissolves the exercise of faith…doesn’t it really? If you can know it, see it and test it, then there is no need for faith, as you have now transitioned into having proof. The times we need faith the most are often the times when we have the least amount of courage. We are tested and pushed closer to the edge, and our instincts insist that we hold on tight and batten down the hatches. And yet our faith implores us to “let go and trust--know that it is time to fly”.

Maybe faith can be proven, based on our past experiences. When we let go, we must make the transition from simply trusting and believing, to actually knowing---the quality of knowing that comes from the awareness “YOU’VE NEVER LET ME FALL BEFORE”

Hmmm…this might be a breakthrough moment for me…

more proof = less fear
(I think that formula also work with alcohol consumption, doesn’t it? J)

...refocusing...

But there are many different types of proof. I guess what we all have to decide for ourselves is what types of proof do I personally need? Tangible or intangible? Quantifiable or anecdotal? Maybe it is time to consider one of my favorite quotes. One that has always been a key underpinning of my personal and professional beliefs:

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. ~Albert Einstein

Flying is easier when we have had a track record of believing…letting go…knowing…and ultimately soaring. For me, that is my proof…my life is my evidence, my testament, my proof that it is okay to let go. My transition from faith, to truly knowing this: I am right where I am supposed to be…ready to soar…and I am not alone.

I know this because I can look back in my life and reflect on all of the times I stood firm—refusing to leap, out of fear…until I had no other choice, or I was pushed. When I finally released my grip of control…I turned toward my faith…and I flew. In that moment, the only awareness that resonated through my soul was simply, “We’re so glad you’ve come.”

What an amazing journey I am on!”

“All your life...
You were only waiting for this moment to arise”
~Blackbird (The Beatles)

~*~

The cyclical nature of life...

So, after a year of making the commitment to write again, I have made the firm decision: I am going to write again. Commit!

So, first step...run through my list of what I could have possibly named that blog of mine...having nothing, I am sure, to do with the fact that my big 50 had just squeaked by me :).

And eventually I find her, find me...ever evolving me, or could it be eve revolving me? Hmmm...funny but I think either works. I actually have another blog out there...I will link them when I can remember the name. Don't you love the way it all works, eventually?

So, finding her here, I am amused to find my first post, to that blog (my second blog)...about relocating, possibly to Florida. And so 1 year and 1 month later I begin again, having now relocated to Florida. Funny how life moves. The simplicity of a plan, intention, or some may call a vision. Many surges of water have passed under the bridge in that year and a month, many of those moments I captured in my writers notebook, many more I wished I had. But, there you go...and here I go, again.

This time with a plan...or intention...maybe even a vision.

~*~

This summer, like so many before, have included the basic elements as many in education would recognize: cleaning out and reorganizing the life that had gradually become disheveled over the last 9 months, feeling the joy of sleeping in (at least until 8:00), reading some great books (novels and professional), taking a class or 2 to keep your knowledge as well as your certification current, and maybe even a little travel. For me, there was one more gem, waiting to be uncovered...again.

The summer started out with a trip to Florida, in hopes of evaluating whether we might relocate in the future. We always said that we would not move the boys again after the big trip to Ohio 12 years ago. Now they are soon to be 27 and 23, it is time Ed and I consider how we will sculpt the next phase of our lives together. The decision has been made to move, without a doubt. I believe after our explorations over the last few summers, that Florida will be the location...at this time we are honing in on the St. Augustine/Jacksonville area. We are trying to find that place that speaks to who we are and the lifestyle we have chosen.

Reading has been a joyful friend to renew my friendship with this summer. As a reading teacher, this seems like a funny concept. While I read all of the time, I find that I am mainly reading bits and bobs through my professional books looking for answers or trying to gaining a quick new skill or strategy. This summer has been a really fun blend of wonderful novels (children and adult) and some really exciting professional books that are rich, relevant, accessible, practical! So far (and it is only mid July):

Professional:

Everyday Editing: Jeff Anderson. Great book to help teachers use authentic texts and experiences to learn editing skills. You will never use a DOL worksheet again!

Mechanically Inclined: For someone who is relatively new to the 5th grade writing scene, this book is a godsend. Same author as Everyday Editing, Jeff Anderson makes mechanics and grammar useful, pertinent, and a valuable tool for teachers and students to embrace. Both books grounded solidly in theory, while being INCREDIBLY practical!

Writing Toward Home: Georgia Heard...I think is enough said! But I will say this...this book has been sitting unattended to for probably 10 years on my bookshelf...I took it out this summer for a class I took at MU, I found myself inside those simple yet sincere pages. I will write more about this one later.

Mentor Texts: Dorfman and Cappelli. What an amazing little book on the teaching of writing spring-boarding of wonderful children's literature! I love this book! Just chock full of ideas to help children see themselves as writers, in align with the professionals! I can't wait to start using it.

Day-to-Day Assessment in the Reading Workshop: Sibberson and Szymusiak. In the process of reading this one still. Another excellent road map using schedule and timelines to lay over your current program to see where you could tweak your already great practice.

All of these books have a very practical, theme based in sound theory...which is very timely for me in my life right now. After my first year in a 5th grade LA classroom, I am taking a hard look at how I can practically implement what I believe into my daily practice. Really nice stuff!

The Right to Write (in process)

The Art of Possibility (in process)

Novels:

The Hunger Games

Belle Praters Boy

The Higher Power of Lucky

The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate

Sarah Plain and Tall

Skylark

Imperfect Birds

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

Farewell My Subaru (in process)

Night (in process)

Nineteen Minutes (in process)

Whew! And I can't wait to carry on...

So then my summer class, which also was my little treasure for the summer. I took a writing class at Miami University this summer. I begrudgingly reported to those who asked, and even those who did not: M-F, 8 - 3:30 for 4 weeks! I would not feel like I had a day off until July 12th!!! However, on the upside I would have the 6 hours I needed for recertification, I would get an idea or 2 about holistic writing in the classroom, and it was all FREE! But still...M-F, 8 - 3:30 for 4 weeks!

The first week was brutal. We walked in the door and they called us all WRITERS! I felt this overwhelming dread that they were going to expect me be be a writer, which I was convinced I was not! However, I persisted and did what I was asked...which was to write every day, read carefully chosen selections, write some more, but most importantly...reserve all judgement of what I am writing.

Well, I promise to spare all of the boring detail, but to say it was a smooth and easy road for me would just be a lie. It was painful, frightening, and overwhelming. I believe they are magicians! Mary and Charley, our facilitators for the 4 weeks, strategically unpeeled that proverbial onion that I held so tightly to, with skill, persistence, and most of all kindness.

What came of those 4 weeks was the following:

Belief in myself, as a writer. I may never publish a polished piece, and that is completely okay with me. But I learned that being a writer does not mean you have to have a reader...except yourself. That was a huge awakening for me.

Many heartfelt pieces about my thinking and my feelings. And also, many small memoirs, poems, and general joyful pieces. Some of which I will post on this blog.

And finally this blog...which really represents the confidence I have gained in myself. Originally I wanted a blog that no one could read...ha! It wasn't that I was afraid to write, but rather afraid to be read.

During those 4 weeks I turned 49. On my many long drives up to Oxford, I decided that my gift to myself was to give up all of the worry and self-doubt...for 1 year...and then see how it goes. So far-so good. I plan to like this gift so much that I will re-gift it to myself each year, without judgement. I know some days it will not be easy, but my plan is to take it one bite at a time.

So there it is...my summer, so far, as of July 22, 2010.

In 2 days we are off for 3 weeks in the UK with Ed. I am excited about the experience and opportunity, while nervous about leaving my home and family for 3 weeks. I know there are some amazing adventures that await me out there, and yet I know the amazing adventures I have taken so far, the ones on the inside, will continue to guide and sustain me throughout my external travels.

What a summer in a life full of grace and gratitude.

~*~